Like, of course it means that the day I was born is getting close, but why do I he that feeling?
And no, it's not about the age. First, because I'm still young. And second, because even when I'll not be so young I will still think I am. Anyway, I usually the person that loves birthdays and that wants everybody to celebrate it. I see it as very special day for the person, it's a new year that's beginning. I always try to be on the birthday party (dinner, lunch, whatever...). Except when it's in another city and I really can't be there.
The problem is when in MY BIRTHDAY. During the years I had so many bad experiences that I just started to be afraid of celebrating tat special moment, it started to be a sad day. Let me explain, when I was very young (5 years old), I lost my father. No, it wasn't on my birthday and I even had many happy birthdays, or about 10-15 years. But the lost of such an important person to me made me feel alone, and that's basically something that feel until these days and it's what pushes me through life, it's what makes want to do things by myself.
However, a few years ago, the birthday thing started. After a few time not making big celebrations I decided to celebrate on my favorite place, I invited my friends, my family, my BF at the time. And almost no one showed up. My code friends at the time didn't go, but I was trilled to see an internet friend there, it just meant the world to me. To make it worse, my godparents decided to leave before the happy birthday because they didn't like the place. And that was the first time, I was in the happiest place in world feeling the saddest I could ever feel.
From that day on, I just got used to not having people on my birthday, for mnymany times my fried weren't there, my godparents either and even my BF at the time missed it. But from what I see, everyone should celebrate such a special day surrounded by the people you love and that love you back. So can you see where I'm going with this?
I already saw I little bit of who is coming and who isn't and I keep having that loneliness feeling all over again. As I'm writing I started to see, that it is definitely something to work on, but what exactly?
Should I learn even more how to be alone? should I learn how to make more friends?
Today, Prem Baba's flower of he day really inspired me. It said that if you're feeling alone and disconnected, than that's the results of a barrier of hurt and resentment, it a result of being attached to the past. And maybe that's exactly what I need to work on.
So another birthday is coming and another celebration. And my wish is to forget the past and start fresh!
PS. My bday is only on the 22nd.
See you again sometime,
Sol Prado.
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